I’ve always loved the drama, or i guess it may be the other way around. I grew up believing that I would be forever miserable. It’s how I cope up with life and its challenges and every bitch slap it could give me, through such belief, I found it easier to accept things as it is. I’m not sure it really was a good thing for me. I don’t think I became who I wanted because of it. I stopped reaching for my dream, I stopped living up to my principles, I stopped reaching for my ambitions. I was stuck in a rut for too long and now, I’m slowly being buried alive. I’m neither moving backward nor forward. I’m sinking and now the only thing that could help me from being completely buried is to hope, and not to think that this is how I would live my life, six feet under.

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One of the major regrets that I would have to live with for the rest of my life is having to do the wrong way of choosing a degree to take up in college. It did affect my future. I hope God made it possible for me to get into a time machine even just once in my life. In this case, hitting a BULLS EYE never guarantees that you’re the winner.

She walks right in front of me, with her unbelievably, almost photoshopped face matched perfectly with her smooth and shiny black mane, strutting her perfectly God-sculpted shape which is covered in all the beauty of Louis V. She doesn’t step on the ground, she lets her Manolos do it for her. And no, she’s not wearing any body glitter, it’s just old Harry, dropping glitters every time she takes a step. She nears a Phantom, in which a gorgeous guy from that GQ magazine steps out, let’s her in and disappears, leaving all of the people around me with their mouths wide open.

 

Women, in general, are the most materialist among the human race. This explains why most of them consider shopping as a sport or a hobby, and most of them are happiest when they receive gifts. Hence, they invented monthsaries and they made Valentine’s day a gift-giving tradition. It is also because of such trait that made them the maids of envy. Envy, one of the most destructible element of evil. It destroys marriage, relationships, friendships. It sucks the trust and kindness out of people. It creates war.

I’m actually speaking from experience though but all of these are also observations, and some are evidence-based.

People are never contented, they will never be unless, i guess, they become priests or monks. It needs a lot of energy to resist envy. It’s like having to go the outer space just to fight the pull of gravity. You can always try, but once you break, you’re back in Envy’s arms once again.

I just realized that I had been on a one year hiatus. I can’t even believe I never wrote anything in 2011, maybe I got busy? Or maybe 2011 went by too fast, just way too fast.

Wait. What really happened?

Well, I got busy with work, got extremely depressed with what I was doing and fired myself before they could even fire me. After a year and 4 months, I decided to set myself free.

Set myself free? Who the fuck am I kidding? Ever since I graduated college, I was never free from the obligations of being a grown up: Get a job, Earn some dough, help in paying bills, and everything is on repeat.

Ended up a relationship that seemed to be going nowhere, went back to dating, unexpectedly found new love, and the rest is still to be talked about this year.

Checked in the hospital for the very first time, got tons of surprises, got sober, got nicotine out of my system for good, became boring, became extremely lazy and dysfunctional [as if I never did back then].

Well, I guess that sums it all up. Last year was the last time that I get to be a regular customer at the airports, as well as those gas stations. Those times will be missed. Hopefully, I won’t have any regretful aftertaste.

So what’s next for me?

Self discovery. And learning how to be responsible, and frugal. I would have to learn how to really cook, how to fix things, and how to limit my expenditures to the things that are just really important, practice discipline by getting that extreme Victoria Secret model body that I’ve always wanted. Still, no alcohol and nicotine for me this year, unfortunately.

Well, of course I’d have to get another job, maybe in the middle of the year. So for now, since I am still a slave for money, I’d first settle for those online jobs, at least just to keep my parents from kicking me out of the house  and find myself on the streets looking for potential customers. hahaha. Kidding.

I have no idea how I got to where I am right now. The real world is tough and it’s bitch-slapping me every single day. The universe is making it hard for me to focus and to stay. Honestly, I’m not really sure if I can survive this. It’s not how I imagined it would be. But like what they said, everybody goes through the same thing. The problem is, I’m finding it hard to believe that I’m going to love this. I just realized that I’m not that much of a people person and that I don’t have such convincing powers. I should’ve realized that from the start. But I guess, it’s how fate works and it’s definitely not too friendly with me.

The silence roars like thunder,

making it too painful to withstand.

With the raindrops rushing hard,

streetlights seem to flicker

which makes a 20-20 a despair.

I fell onto the mud pools,

cursed incessantly to the ground.

As the cool wind bashes me from all directions

I pray to be indestructible.

Shivering  like a petrified dog,

I reached for a saving roof

and  sat down grumbling without tears.


Amidst all of this debacle,

my cigarette remains dehydrated,

my lighter’s still intact.

I pulled off one last kick,

puffed off a soul

and gave the heavens what it deserved.

I cannot think of an appropriate title that would fit. But I think this title would do well.

The after college life is a real deal breaker.

It is the ultimate danger/reality zone.

No matter how many friends you have,

no matter how popular or unpopular you were,

you are on your own, vulnerable and naive.

Just when you finally reached the light at the end of the tunnel,

you were faced with millions of doorways

with deceiving sign boards.