Of Mirrors and souls

I was never a fan of mirrors.

It was never a part of my vanity kit.

It’s quite ironic actually, having this vanity kit and not having any mirror at all.

I mean, I do look at myself in the mirror a few times but not to the point that I would want to have

the pocket version just so I can check myself out anytime.

You see, I have this obsessive-compulsive behaviour when I look at mirrors for more than 3 minutes (especially when it’s pocket-sized). I’ve tried to indulge myself in the mirror and ended up disgusted at myself for having a grassland sort of face. I just hate seeing those small hairs which can even be found on my nose and would look like blackheads. I also ended up counting how many blackheads and pimples or pimple scars I have. So then, when I decide to eventually put down the mirror, I think of how imperfect I am, and begin to get insecure. Yes, I AM THAT PATHETIC.

But just thirty minutes ago, when I looked at myself in the mirror, I realized that I no longer recognize the person staring back at me. I guess I was too busy dodging mirrors, dodging reality, that I wasn’t able to check myself out— I missed seeing how I evolved through time.

And all I see now, is a stranger, desperately looking for her soul.

 

The Insomnia Speaks, while the Insomniac listens.

And here I am, amazingly wide awake, being feasted upon by mosquitoes.

I haven’t slept properly for like a week and it’s killing me. I could take out a whole

Box of cigarettes if I had one right now.

Moments like these make me ponder so much about how my life is doing so far.

And I just realized that I messed up a lot. And now, I’m paralyzed because I couldn’t do anything

To change or at least troubleshoot any of the succeeding failures which have resulted.

How I wished I had a bottle of alcohol right now.

It may not help in forgetting all of these problems

But at least, It’ll help me to dream again…

 

The Abyss

…as I explored further

I found a lake in the meadows.

It mirrors the sky during the day

But at night, it reveals its terror—

unimaginable, cold, horrifying.

It draws me closer to it—

the abyss is now vivid.

I am tempted to jump in

but i still have hope,

even if there’s only a little left.

And then it occurred to me

Even in paradise, there’s a place

for unhapiness—

the lake of melancholy

 

Bellows of the faint soul

“The clouds parted and made way for the sun, which was smiling blissfully below.

It’s another day.

And everything seemed to be thesame.

Except for the smile on my face.

The paradise, as I thought it was once.

Wasn’t that great after all.

But still,

I wait hopelessly

Underneath this oak tree

on the vast green meadows.”

–excerpt from one of my unfinished creations

All rights reserved

 

Part 3 [Unfolding the Madness]

I haven’t been updating this blog for awhile for the reason that I’ve been seriously busy these past few months, and also, I decided to make a new blog which is less narcissistic than this. Anyway, I guess I did need a break so that I may be able to flood insights into this blog.

The part 3:

I am a selfish person. Selfish as in self-ish. I cannot believe I’m actually admitting this. But yes, I guess, after a lot of contemplations and stuff, I realized that I’m a selfish person. I always make sure to put myself first before others. I seek for my own sake and comfort without even thinking about others. I don’t care what happens to others as long as I’m in good condition. Haha. But, I don’t really agree that I’ve ALWAYS been selfish. I mean, there would always be a point in your life when you become selfish [to hell with you if you've never ever been selfish for once! hahah!] and there would always be a point in your life when you become selfless. But I guess, if I would count how many times I’ve been selfish or selfless, I’d say I was most probably more selfish. ;p

I’m really, trying my best to be a little less selfish these days. I’m reminding myself of it. Baby steps should work!

 

THANKS FOR SLAPPING.

Okay. I just realized that I’ve been loving all the COMPLICATIONS. And I also realized that I’ve over analyzed things, which in the end, turns out to be wrong. The answers were just right in front of me but I always decided to look away, and try to think of the most bizarre, yet, believable things.
And now, it just slapped me hard on the face. So hard that I almost fell if I had lost my balance.

Fuck.

 

Surrealism

Just when things are starting to get really good.

It gets confusing and complicated all of a sudden.

Tell me this isn’t all just a reverie.

X(

 

Melancholic Whore

Today,

I’ll smoke six packs.

Tomorrow,

I’ll be diagnosed with cancer.

The next day,

I’ll be dead.

Regrets

would be somewhere

in between

 

On sticks, sunrise, sunsets and falling

How many sticks does one have to count before they realize that it’s not going to do them any good?

How many sunsets and sunrise does one have to watch before they even realize how painful it is to wait hopelessly?

How many times does one have to fall down before they even realize how hard it is to stand up again?

I have yet to find out if it is indeed human nature to be blind to things that are obvious just because they are just too hopeful, over confident, or just plain stubborn. Or I guess it is just human nature to be optimistic. I’m a no-one-is-completely-pessimistic believer. People always have even just an inkling of hope in them no matter how pessimistic they could get.

 

911

I seriously need to see a Psychiatrist.
I’m not sure if I’m Manic Depressive or Bipolar.
But what I’m sure of is that I have a Mental Disorder.
I can no longer concentrate on things–on my studies, and on the things that I usually do. I lack focus. Even if I try to, I phase out immediately.
There are times that I want to shut myself from the outside world, from everyone else.
Sh*t. I’ll definitely need some moolah for this.
Being crazy is EXPENSIVE.